Change

From age five to eighteen, I lived in the same community, went to school and graduated with the same people I started kindergarten with, lived by both sets of grandparents, never saw many changes (not too uncommon in a small place) and liked my comfort zone of a life. College was my first move and I only changed roommates once because my first roommate moved away. I liked the normal staying normal. I loved being comfortable with it all and everyone I knew.

Then I went to China where common mottos are "Nothing ever stays the same" and "Nothing is as it seems" and "Take a picture because it might not be there tomorrow" and the like. My first five years in China, I had five completely different teams, moved yearly (one of those years I moved twice). After those initial China years, I took a one year home leave where I married Steve and my "home" and "normal" changed forever. I found myself having to share time between South Carolina and Illinois while making my home in China with a husband.

This is our sixth year in China as a married couple. We have lived in two cities and moved twice in both places. In Tonghua, we moved down the hill from the school after Olivia was born. In Harbin, we moved to the apartment next door to our first one here. All together in China, I have had 43 different teammates (not including 20 different classmates my two years in language school or Steve and my children).  I didn't have any continuing teammates until three years ago when the Taylor's and Dan stayed and everyone else left. This past year, our entire team (minus Dan) stayed the same and nobody new came. It was bliss!

Now, we are on the verge of a total turn-over. All our current teammates will leave and six new people will be added to the 43 above.

I hate change. I hate how it makes my stomach churn and my heart want to beat out of my chest. I hate having to adjust and learn how to do it all over again from the beginning.

At the same time, I have learned how to embrace the changes in my life and see them as refinement. You see, when I lived in the comfort of nothing ever changing, I didn't do that much changing myself. People didn't point out the junk because either they didn't notice it or they knew me "too well to say anything". Sad.

The 43+ blessings I have had in my life over the past twelve years have been used to chip away the ugly, bring out more of the junk that I would rather hide, and expose the stuff that needed dealing with. Many of them took time to get to know me; some didn't. Many of them still speak into my life even though we are no longer teammates; some don't. Regardless of how long we were together, I am forever changed by how the loving and just Father used them to show me that change is really a good thing even when it is hard in the moment.

Sweet moments

Recently, Olivia has been going to preschool nearly everyday. May 1st is a holiday in China, and there will be a performance (as there usually are on such occasions). So, her teachers have asked that she come everyday to prepare for said performance. She has come home singing some cute little songs and really enjoying being there. She has even asked to stay all day a few times!

Yesterday, before I went to pick up little 石美华 (shi mei hua is Olivia's Chinese name) I went to the market to buy some things. I grabbed a strawberry soymilk that they make at the market and headed on over to her school. When she came down and I gave her the drink, she looked up at me with big smile and exclaimed, "That's just what I was thinking about!" Made my heart leap!

We had to go back to the market because one seller had given me one too many sheets of paper and I needed to pay her for it. Inside the market, there are these picture booths that make what we call "sticky pictures". Olivia wanted to take some pictures for Steve. After paying the paper lady, we took some pictures. It was a great way to build a memory and have fun with Olivia.

The walk home was a sweet one and she told me a little about her day. I enjoy these moments out and about with Olivia. I treasure them and know they won't last forever. As parents know, not every moment is so sweet, but boy when they are!!

下次见！ See ya' later!

Just a little something for fun.

Here's a poem written anonymously that might be fun to read.

I'm no expert, yes 'tis true

Though I may look very different from you.

A Foreign Expert Card doesn't make me an expert you see

anymore than a toothpick would make me a tree

I'm just an oaf bumbling along

Doing my best; usually getting it wrong

I'm I'm an expert at anything this would be true

I'm an expert in knowing less than you

So teach me your culture, ways and your land

I can learn if your patient and hold tight to my hand

I may speak English and hold a degree

But what you can offer a classroom could never teach me

I must be a learner not an an expert of all.

So I'll sit down and let you stand tall.

~anonymous

See ya' next time! 下次见！

Who do I go to for what?

Today, I want to write about power distance. This might be the hardest post yet since this is the topic I still don't fully understand. It is a little harder, but I can talk about how we end up adjusting to the different structure where we live and work. 

America is a small power distance culture. This means that people usually don't like difference status (ie. they like equality) and like to share power between many bosses. Employees expect to be asked their opinions about the topics they know about. The "perfect" boss lets everyone have a say and then makes his decisions while having those opinions in mind. Bosses or anyone in authority is usually given respect when they have "earned" it.

China is a large power distance culture; therefore, inequality of status is welcomed and expected. There is probably one boss and a large range of salaries. Employees expect to be told what to do by the boss, and the "perfect" boss makes all the decisions and then that decision gets passed down the line. Bosses are given a great deal of respect because of their position. 

I explained it in this way to my students using a picture. Let me try to recreate that here:

In the first picture, you see the one boss way up at the top. Let's say he makes the decision about when the vacation will be. That is then passed down the line from level to level until it reaches us way at the bottom. All that passing takes time, so we might not know the answer to this question until much time has passed because the person that we deal with directly has either not heard yet or the person making the decisions has not decided yet. 

When a question is going the other direction, we must follow the opposite pattern. I ask the person directly above me (in our case it is the foreign affairs officer) who asks her boss (the head of the foreign affairs office) who asks his boss who asks his boss (so on and so forth for many levels) until it reaches whoever can answer the question or make the decision. 

Then the answer must work its way back down the ladder until it reaches us again. It is inappropriate to go over someone's head. By now, we are not sure if they are stalling or trying to avoid our question. The truth is, there is a lot of asking going on, one real decision maker who is very busy making a lot of other decisions as well. It can become quite an ordeal.

Patience must reign in these situations because time is NOT on our side. 

Another way this affects our lives is when decisions are made that we don't like or don't understand. We live in a building that houses only foreign students and teachers. Ideally, we would live in Chinese apartments with local neighbors, but that is not our decision. Evidently in another city there was something that happened in a building similar to ours and some foreigners got hurt. The result: monthly and irregular inspections in our building. "What does that mean?" you may ask. The hall must be cleared, meaning all our shoes, bikes and the kids play things must be squeezed into our apartments. 

"They" (whoever they are) come along and look at the hall, see it is clear and go away. Meanwhile, we have shoes all in the entry of our apartment and scooters in the middle of the living room. After the allotted "inspection" time is over, we all put our shoes and scooters back in the hall and continue with our lives. 

Why do we have to do this? Because the big leader up there somewhere said we did. What should be our response to things like this? According to my student, "You should just calm down and do it." I think that is good advice. 

We, the Americans, "solve" all the major problems in the world by telling each other our opinions since nobody on top is asking us. We talk about having play ground equipment near our building for all the kids living here; we talk about breaking down walls so that more light can get into our living rooms; we talk about being allowed to live in "real" Chinese housing so that we can get to know more local neighbors.... the list goes on for miles really. Who asks us for these opinions? Nobody because that is not how things are done here, and that is fine and good. 

What I have stressed to my students is that neither system is better than the other. Things just work differently in both places and we learn to appreciate their uniqueness. Do I wish people would ask me my opinion more? Certainly! Are they going to? Probably not. Is that okay? It has to be. 

You see, when I willingly moved into this culture, I had to change and adapt. There is a Chinese saying that says, “The taller the bamboo grows, the lower it bends.” In order to grow, you must be willing to sway. In order to thrive in this culture, I must continue to grow in flexibility.

Thanks for reading.

See ya' next time. 下次见！

Time is...

Yesterday we looked at what role "space" plays in our lives here in China. Today we will take a minute or two to talk about time. (Yes, I wrote that on purpose.) :)

When you ask Chinese students to finish the sentence, "Time is..." they will invariably say, "Time is life!" Almost in unison and enthusiastically. As I said a couple of days ago, Eastern and Western countries view time in different ways. In the West, we tend to think more about time and schedules and deadlines and such. Time is money and a very hot commodity! In the East, time is more of a suggestion. 

What this doesn't mean:

   If you ask a student to come to your house, they will not be so 随便 (“suibian” or casual) about the affair. They will be there 15 minutes before the set time and they will most likely bring a bag or many bags of fruit - more fruit than you could eat in a week! Does this mean they value time? 

No, in fact it is the relationship that they are placing great value on - not the time. They come early to show you that they value YOU. When they are there, they are all there and enjoying being with you. 

How this plays out in our daily lives:

  We have been invited to banquets minutes before being expected to walk out the door and get in the car that is waiting for us. 

  We have been given our teaching schedules the night before (if we were lucky) the class begins in the semester. There has been a time when I was given this schedule and then had to run all over the building looking for the class because the room numbers were wrong. I think I missed the first day of class that semester and felt rather foolish. I'm still not sure if the schedule was wrong, the students were hiding, or I was just that lost!

My good Chinese friend just had a birthday party for her little girl who turned 1. Originally, she brought us all invitations with the time, but as she was delivering them she remembered we had a meeting that conflicted with the time a little. The result wasn't getting bent out of shape, but rather she just said, "Oh, just come over when the kids get up from their naps." That meant that she would have no idea what time the party would actually start. She didn't mind and we ended up staying later anyway because you don't worry about the time; beginning or end. :)

  When there is a holiday, we don't actually know what those days off might be or what days we make up until right before the time to take the days off. We are often finding ourselves asking the students because sometimes they get wind of things - but you can't always trust them, so don't buy your tickets yet! 

Speaking of buying tickets. When buying train tickets, it has only been recently that you can buy round trip train tickets, but that is only when you are in the city were you are returning. 

   What I mean is this: if I am going to take the train from Harbin to Beijing to Shanghai and back to Beijing and then back to Harbin, I can only buy a round trip ticket from Harbin to Beijing and back to Harbin because that is the city where I am buying the first ticket. The Beijing ticket to Shanghai and back would have to be bought separately and in those cities. In addition, you can only buy these tickets (even the round trip) within 10 days of the day you use them. 

     SO, if my trip from Beijing back to Harbin is more than 10 days away, I can't get a return ticket when I buy the first. Are you confused yet? We are most of the time. 

    This is especially difficult during the holidays because they suddenly and without any warning decide that it is not 10 days but 4 days in advance that you can buy a ticket. That makes round-trip tickets pointless to even consider if you are going to be anywhere more than 4 days. So, try planning a trip around those details and see if you even want to bother! 

    You see, TIME is not important - RELATIONSHIP is! If you have the right connections, you can suddenly find yourself with a sleeper ticket the day before the train is leaving for a train that is sold out. Amazing. For those of us who are used to planning a trip months (not days) ahead of time, calling that stressful is the understatement of the century!

The list of implications of our differences can go on and on. I'll most likely think of a few more after publishing this, but for now, it's time to go. 

But in spite of all that, I find that I enjoy being with my friends here. Sure they pop in unexpected and at the worst possible time at times, but when they are here, time loses its great importance and I watch them play with my children, sit on my couch and graciously drink their cups of coffee, water or tea, eat my salty popcorn (they make the popcorn sweet here) and tell me how nice it is to be in a home. 

I will most likely never stop looking at my watch or wondering what time it is, but maybe I can also learn to sit, relax and become more flexible!

Thanks for reading.

See ya' next time! 下次见！

Give me my space... all 2 inches of it.

Yesterday I wrote a monstrosity post about the culture differences between the East and the West. I thought I would take a few more posts to break down each of the areas I wrote about and explain, or attempt to at least, what that looks like in our daily lives here. How this affects us and what we sometimes think about it all.

Today we will look at space and how it is viewed and celebrated here in the People's Republic of China. :)

In class last week, a student came up to me during the break to explain that another student was still in another city and was therefore not in class that day. While he was talking, he was inches from my face, leaning in and whispering as if he were sharing the great secrets of the universe. When I first came to China I might have thought this was a little inappropriate for a student to do, but it is just the way it is.

I took the kids out to play today and an older lady came up to us to talk and ask questions. She was right in my face asking about their ages and commenting on their clothes and whatnot. It felt invasive 11 years ago; today it felt friendly.

New to China foreigners find themselves backing away while friends are talking to them and the Chinese person is moving in the shorten the distance. Quite comical.

When I eat lunch in the dining hall on campus, if I'm dining alone, I can go up to any stranger, ask if the seat is taken and sit right next to them. We're at the same table, not talking, sharing "space" and everyone is happy and comfortable.

The other night there were about four girls visiting and they were all sitting together on the couch. (If Americans were sitting on the couch, there would be three of them.) They sit all huddled and cozy. I was sitting in a chair across from them and felt the need to move a cushion and sit closer. The space felt wrong somehow.

Lines... wait a minute, what lines? There is a Chinese word for "stand in line" 排队 (pai dui) but it doesn't "translate" quite the same way as we do it in America. :) Here, there is little space between you and the person in front of you and you don't want space because someone may fill it. (I remember nearly having a panic attach in Wal-mart in America one summer when someone allowed too much space in front of her.)

    I have been at a bank where I was next in line and the person behind me was standing right beside me asking a question to the teller. Once he looked and saw that a blond-haired blue-eyed outsider was standing beside him, he looked me up and down and began asking me questions like where I was from, what I did in China, how much money I made, how old I was, if I was married, "WHY NOT, YOU'RE SO OLD?!" (I think I was all of 24 at the time!) and so on...  All this while we were 排队'ing together. :) Space! What space? Love it! It gives me total freedom to not worry so much that someone is in my space and try to make a difference while they are there.

When I find myself on the other side of the ocean, I feel like I have way too much space. I close in on people and find myself wanting to move my chair to their side of the table. I feel lost with all the space.

That's just a bit of the picture.... a very small bit.
Thanks for reading.
See ya next time! 下次见！

So I've been thinking...

My lessons this week have been about cultural differences and working in multi-cultural situations. Today's  lecture was about the differences between people in the West and the East.

We looked at how we view personal space, time, power differences, collectivist and individualist cultures and high and low context (basically how direct and flexible we are culturally). These are generalizations, but they show a trend of differences between the two cultures in amazing ways.

Note: These statements are what people 'tend to' be like, not what all Americans/Chinese are like.
 

Space:
In the West, we value space so much that we even write songs about "Wide Open Spaces" we don't stand too close to anyone because we don't want to "invade their space" and if we happen to bump into someone, every polite American child knows what they should say... "I'm sorry" right?

Well, in China it looks a little more like this:

In a bus.

At the train station.

"What in the world is personal space?" thinks Robin's student. Exactly the point.

Time:
In America, we want to know what time it is at all times. We say that time is money and we spend it according to how much value we place on the task at hand. Those are generalizations, of course, and we also value people, but in general, tasks come before people.

In China, relationships are life. There is a saying that I sadly do not know in Chinese that is something like this, "Without relationship, you are dead." So many of their decisions and business deals revolve around relationship, and you really cannot make it here without them. Oh, and they have their own phrase for time: "Time is life."

Power distance:
In America, you can be friends with your boss and there are few people who would think you were trying to get ahead if you went to lunch with him or her. You are considered more of an equal in the relationship even if there is a leader/worker relationship involved.

In China, there is one boss who is so far above us that we have to get through layers of red tape and at least 20 people before we can hope to reach him. You are assigned to the person above you and they are in turn assigned to the person above them. When a leader makes a decision, it is final. You don't question it. A student in my class was trying to help someone who comes from a low power distance culture and works in a high power distance culture. He said, "When you are told to do something, you should just calm down and do it. Don't get mad, just do it." I thought that summed it up pretty well.

Collective and Individual:
Those from the West value individualism. We think about rights, opinions, and responsibilities of the individual. We appreciate each others' differences and uniqueness and admire those who can "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" so to speak. We also talk about diversity a lot!

For those from the East, the group is what matters. Your position in the group defines you. For example, when I am at Olivia's school, I am not referred to as Robin but "Olivia's mom". When they want to talk to me, they simply say, "美华的妈妈。。。" (Olivia's mama....). My students do not usually call me Robin or Mrs. Robin but refer to me as 老师 or "teacher". That is my position and that is how I fit in the group.

There is a sense of safety in the group where it is dangerous outside the group. In the group, you are protected and you belong. Outside the group, you are vulnerable and alone. Not a good place to be in a collectivist culture.  Another time I will have to talk about the relationship network and a little about how it works here. Fascinating!

Context:

In the West, we tend to be more direct and focused on the task. We take pride in accomplishing a task and doing it well.  That isn't to say we don't value people or want to be with them.
 






In China, they are more focused on the situation and tend to be indirect... sort of. There are areas where we in the West might either not say anything or be indirect where they ask pointed questions and make very direct statements.

An example might be in the winter when we are wearing 5 layers of clothing to the Chinese 8 layers. They will say, "You aren't wearing enough clothes."(It is the responsibility of the members of the group to help protect and guide others so that everyone is safe, sound, and WARM.) We probably wouldn't say anything. (It is the individual's choice to wear what they want. If they are cold, it is their own problem. We might think they are crazy, but we won't tell them to change their clothes necessarily.)

"So What?"
  As I was working through these with my students, I was struck by how different our cultures really are. In many ways, we are polar opposites. I think A and they think Z. I would naturally look up when they would be looking down. It feels so awkward at times and like my clothes don't fit right. Like I eat and eat and never get full. Like I'm walking in sandals when I need fuzzy lined boots.

  But then over time, I have learned to wear the clothes the locals are wearing and they fit a little better. I have learned to eat the way they eat and it fills my stomach. I have relinquished my desire to wear the sandals and embraced the boots. The more time I spend in the culture, the more I find myself loving it and appreciating the differences that so frustrated me 11 years ago.

  We are different, but that really is all it is: different, and different is really really good. My need for "space" has diminished considerably. I find myself caring more about who I'm with than what we are trying to accomplish. I appreciate the warmth and intimacy of the 'group' and my place in it. I'll never be Chinese no matter how long I live here. I love America and being American, but I treasure what I am learning from the Chinese and experiencing in this culture that is so very unique from my own.

This was a longer post. Thanks for reading.
See ya' next time. 下次见！(xia ci jian)